Money, Basketball and Halloween

Money

It is easy to be idealistic in college - especially at Olaf. I remember writing an essay on Thomas Hobbes's theory of human nature - that human action springs solely from self-preservation. It depressed the hell out of me. I also remember reading Nietzsche and Freud and realizing they presented a world void of love, self sacrifice or goodness. They rattled my worldview, self-view and God-view. I looked around, however, and I saw love. I went to Guatemala and Arkansas and home, and I saw goodness and selflessness. It's a long story, but I came away from college realizing we are more than animals driven by the desire to eat and make babies. I came away believing in the power of love, and I left Olaf ready to embrace the world.

The thing is, it is easy to be idealistic in college. Last week I was getting off the subway during rush hour. I've found that I'm not as in love with rush hour as I was the first few weeks. I was feeling alone, worried and tired, and as I was getting off the train, this little woman pushed me aside while trying to board. Actually, it was more of a shove. An instant rage pulsed through my body - really, it was rather invigorating. I turned with eyes like lasers and had a string of words ready that would make her ears bleed. All of my insecurity, anxiety and fear were bubbling inside of me and I couldn't wait to spew it all over this nasty little woman. But as I turned, I realized she was crying. Her nose was puffy and red and her makeup was smeared around her eyes. I stood there in the doorway and saw her sitting in the corner with her head bent into her lap. My anger dissipated like a vapor as I stepped off the train. I remember just standing on the platform as its metal sides whisked past me wondering what had happened to me.

I had almost lost my temper with a complete stranger for bumping me during rush hour. I realized that my focus had entirely been on me. I find myself worrying about me more than I ever have in my life. I worry about money. I worry about my future. I worry about acting. I worry about making friends. I worry, and I forget about the world around me. I found myself riding the train last week in total boredom. I was doing what I found so intriguing my first week there. I put my ipod on loud (something a little emo) and sat thinking about my life. On the third stop a beggar got on the train, and I turned my ipod on louder. When he got off I felt sick. I had allowed my financial and social insecurity to suck me into myself. I didn't care about anyone in that train. I had problems....

It is really easy to be idealistic in college and really easy to be selfish every where else. It is depressing seeing people cheat, steal and lie to gain power and money. It is more depressing, however, to think that you might do the same.

I think we can choose to be human. What if everyone in that car decided at one time to be completely open? What if every time we got on that train in the morning, we decided to be friends? New York would be a beautiful place. On one side of the car, two people would be making tailgating plans for the next Giant game, and on the other side, three people would be comforting an old woman who outlived her son. It takes guts to be open - to be idealistic - to believe. But I'm an actor and a writer because I believe, and I know I won't survive in New York or anyplace without it.

Basketball

I've started playing basketball in a park close to where I live. I love it. I haven't played basketball for a long time, but I look forward to it every day. The guys I play with are in their twenties and thirties and are mostly Greek, Italian and Asian. Fouling an Italian is a scary experience. Yesterday, one guy stormed off the court and went home mid game. A couple of days ago, I was thinking about why I've had this intense desire for competition and basketball. I thought it may be the camaraderie, the exercise, the human contact, but I concluded that it was because the game is black and white. In many ways, I feel lost in New York. I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing, where I'll be working, what I'm feeling, etc, etc, and it is so refreshing to take part in something that is so concrete. Put the ball in the hoop and stop your man from putting the ball in his hoop. Easy. I know the rules, the expectations; I know exactly what I'm doing and exactly who is in my way. New York is also a big game - I just haven't learned how to dribble or where the hell I'm shooting.

Halloween

I thought the subway was foreign my first time traveling on it, the subway on Halloween is Lord of the Rings meets Alice in Wonderland in the Willy Wonka Factory. For example, on one ride I saw Santa Clause and his nine reindeer next to a mob of teenage zombies singing "Thriller" while Elvis Presley looked on in disgust. Everyone was talking, laughing, often kissing, and usually drinking. In a way, it was nice to see. Maybe there is a lot of love in New York, you just need to drink enough wine and wear the right mask to experience it.